Intimacy Allergy Card

by - October 26, 2007

When someone talked about his emotions, I’ll shown them my intimacy allergy card. My first serious relationship broke up and that hurt. Maybe I clasp him tightly then contributing his anxiety. He`s seeking more distance. Lately I found something about intimacy and that`s frightening.
Intimacy is vulnerability. It`s the risk to opening myself up. It means sharing all sides of myself, expose my sentimentality, my melodramatic life, my past, my stupid thoughts, my despair, my dreams, weaknesses and fear. That would be the last person who I shared my whole story of life. Now I fanatically defend.
Loving means risking hurt, risking loss, risking abandonment. When we broke up, my ex got over it in one week. It took me weeks or even years! Surely one moment can`t heal my heart. (Mostly or hopefully) people takes one year or more to gathered their own pieces. And ow yea, I`ve loved and lost. And yes, it hurt like hell. And no, I don`t wanna go back there again.
Loving means he will find out who I really am. I`ll be exposed and that`s threatening. What happens when he finds out my weaknesses? I knew what would happen. He would be reject me, abandon me, forsake me. Then I keep the boundaries up. There`s always a secret in someone`s past and I don`t show freely. Avoiding intimacy keeps away discovery.
Loving means giving you a great deal of power. It means I`ll give everything: my power, my half, my time and my feelings. Can I trust you not to violate that power, not to use these intimate details against me when you get angry? Coz the damage to my trust in you was never fully repaired. Trusting someone is too risky.

So, will we ever know each other?
Maybe. But – damn it – it`s going to take a lot of work and lot of trust.
And who`s not afraid of that?
I`m so not ready..

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3 comments

  1. Avante10:33 PM

    The more riddle,
    More bigger the result

    (halah koq gw jadi pusing gini ngomong Inggris)

    ReplyDelete
  2. the more riddle, the closest to psychological trauma

    (lebih gak jelas)

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Avante:

    anw, kok masuk ke blog lo gak bisa yah? Apa udah di delete atau gimana? Huhuhuh..

    ReplyDelete

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